Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"I am the girl from Deacon Blue, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Multi-talented Sinitta, I just want to meet yer,
Cos I am St Peter, and you're going downstairs,
Along with cars that have pet names."

'Mars Ultras, You'll Never Make The Station' from a Peel Session.

Show Me The Bottle

Dilemma

Some of you will know of the comedy night at the Fox and Grapes in Preston on the first Tuesday of every month - if not, see earlier posts. Caroline, Stuart and I put a lot of work into the publicity for the last event with new posters, fliers and a blog and we were rewarded by a noticeably larger crowd. Unfortunately the headliner, Dave Twentyman, had to cry off at very short notice as his wife was taken ill (hopefully she is ok now). Alan managed to get a friend to replace him with only a couple of hours notice. The evening was not a great success, however. Alan seemed to be off song - probably due to the stress of having to frantically make calls to save the evening and also the larger crowd - and the two comedians had mixed fortunes. One did quite well but the other was trying out new material and appeared to misjudge the audience, even veering rather close to racism at one point. There was also a young lad in the audience whose girlfriend made the mistake of letting it slip he was a copper and he provided an easy get-out for the performers when things weren't going well - just get an easy laugh by pointing at the poor lad and making a comment about the police. Too cheap in my opinion.

My dilemma is this: when reporting the evening on the blog I don't want to put people off coming by being too negative about the event but I also want to make clear to the newcomers that this was not typical of the comedy night and that things are usually much better. I need to give this some thought.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Through your children’s bedroom walls,
Slowly walks the wraith of me.
I read the news today, oh boy,
Svarc rejects new Layer terms."

'Fear My Wraith' from the CD Some Call It Godcore.

CSI: Ambleside ...

... has landed. As good as expected and with numerous hidden gems waiting to be uncovered as each play progresses.

In celebration here are two (count 'em) HMHB Lyrics of the Day.

Firstly the wonderful Carry On Biscuiting, double entendre that is 'Lord Hereford's Knob':


"As I camped out one evening to take the midnight air,
I heard a maiden grieving from somewhere over there,
Who is it you are mourning, for whom do you wear grey,
She said 'I pine for no one, I just can’t pay my way.
Ever since the chattering classes invaded Hebden Bridge,
And priced the likes of me and mine to the pots of the Pennine Ridge
To South East Wales I was forced to flee, and now I have no job.
That’s why tonight I’m sitting on top of Lord Hereford’s Knob'"

Secondly, from 'Petty Sessions':

"I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
And say, 'That’s not how I would spell “Hawaiian'".

Middle Lane Drivers

"If Lane 1 is the truck lane, and Lane 3 is the BMW-with-front-foglights-on lane, then Lane 2 is that motoring no man's land. The kind of lane where the speeds are neither annoyingly slow nor frighteningly fast. The kind of lane where you can just switch on the cruise control and never have to worry about overtaking, moving over or really doing anything at all. Apart from looking in the glovebox to see if you have enough boiled sweets to last you until Skegness.

Lane 2 is the lane of the average. And as such, it is religiously populated by the kind of ape-brained simpleton who neither has the observation and anticipation needed to make progress in the inside lane or the talent to mingle with the high speed cut and thrust of the outside lane."

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"I see you smiling in the morning mist, you’re so exclusive you don’t exist,
But you can’t hide the fact that we used to play naked Twister."

'Ordinary to Enschede' from the CD Single Let's Not.

Sad

I find it really sad when fans of teams take great delight in the mishaps of their rivals, even (or especially) when their rivals are doing better than they are. With that in mind I confess to being really sad at having to post this classic goal from the Ginger Whinger that gladdens my heart (if not the hearts of the Redshite).

Vindaloo

Despite being at least partly the work of the odious Keith Allen, the video for Fat Les's 'Vindaloo' was a parody masterpiece. Of The Verve's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' as if you didn't know.

The Best HMHB Lyrics Ever?

I thought it was time I posted the complete lyrics for possibly the best HMHB song ever - 'A Country Practice' from the CD Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral. So here goes:

"I feel like a beggar accepting alms, then being pelted with figs.
I study my steadily declining chart placings, they greet me with freezing cold inhospitality.
Hey, where did that bloke go who said I was vital?

I possess the mild air of a retail tobacconist, that’s because I’m a retail tobacconist,
But the mayflies on a Berkshire trout river would probably tell you a different story.
About ham-fisted diadems and momentary daydreams, of mythical dividends and illusory boardroom seats.

In the room festooned with fat beef certificates from county shows,
Duff Leg Bryn had drank too much again. Most of Wem was steering clear of him.
I’ve got no time for this twelfth consecutive Rose Bowl.

‘Cos at Sunday next at ten to four, I’ve got an invitation for
A trip around Katharine Hamnett’s warehouse, followed by dinner with David Emmanuel,
Who I can’t wait to tell about my dream in which the almost illegal Elton Welsby
Is dressed as a french maid on a moonless byway, licking his lips as he creeps ever closer
Fast falls the eventide. Fast falls the eventide

The public appearance of bitter ex-soap stars, who thought they could go on and do other things besides.
The Centre Court amusement at the ballboy’s mishap,
That bobbing up and down thing that they do at the Proms,
Opinionated weather forecasters telling me it’s going to be a miserable day.
Miserable to who? I quite like a bit of drizzle, so stick to the facts.

Channel Four presents “Blowjob”, introduced by Adrian and Sophie Horn
Who is of course one bloke with a pierced dick, who’s just had the nod from Planet 24.
Hear him say “surreal”, “bizarre”, “sad git”, “yes indeedy”, “completely and utterly”, “footy”, “anorak” and “respect” before whipping the audience up into doing the Time Warp.

Watch him take us live to The Queen’s Arse and Firkin,
Where Joseph Bloggs and his amazing Technicolor shellsuit are about to abort their Steely Dan routine,
And instead embark upon fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah,
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah,
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah.

Adrian-stroke-Sophie wants us, the viewers, to ring in and say how we think the punters will react.

These are a few of my favourite things…

I’m incredibly bored with the word “millennium”,
I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Millions now earmarked will later be wasted
"Her Majesty, Marvellous, Mother" the musical.
The fireworks lighting up the Houses of Parliament, death in Trafalgar Square,

Death in the armchair of cliched old spinsters who never been loved.
Every day is Australia day - “Sons and Daughters” and “Home and Away”.
And then the news comes on and the sound goes down,
‘Cos she can’t be bothered with all them politicians -
"They’re all just a bunch of flaming drongos".

She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused,
With not enough hospital beds ‘cos all the money’s been used
On the end of the century party preparations
And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life was
Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican
Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican

T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee,
T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee,
T for Thatcher, that girl that made a wreck out of me.

Oh the lady labelled me an idle,
Oh the lady labelled me an idle,
Oh the lady labelled me an idle layabout.
Layabout,
Layabout."

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Inside back page, Radio Times, 'My Kind Of Day' with the actors and actresses…
"I get up about six, and I have a cold shower, switch on “Today”, Vitamin C,
Write some letters ’til quarter past eight, when Olivia takes Oliver to school,
It’s about an hour’s drive to Shepperton from ours,
So I go through the scripts in the back of the car
And if I get hungry I’ll eat a Multigrain bar.""

'Soft Verges' from the CD Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Yonder, the deacon, in misguided trousers."

'We Built This Village on a Trad. Arr. Tune' from the CD Achtung Bono.