Clearing The Kitchen after Yesterday's Christmas Dinner Mess

1. To Survive - Joan As Policewoman (To Survive)
2. Poison In A Pretty Pill - Crass (Penis Envy)
3. I Had A Dream - Audience (Life On Mars Soundtrack)
4. Dub Fi Gwan - King Tubby & The Aggrovators (Heavyweight Sound)
5. Trying To Make A Living - Bobby Saxton (The Chess Story)
6. Singer Songwriter - Okkervil River (The Stand Ins)
7. Watefall - Stoney (The Saturday Sessions)
8. Lose This Skin - The Clash (Sandinista)
9. Shout - The Isley Brothers (Soul Deep - The Story of Black Popular Music)
10. Radio - Teenage Fanclub (4766 Seconds A Short Cut to Teenage Fanclub)
11. Council Estate - Tricky (Knowle West Boy)
12. The Machman - Gary Numan (Replicas)
13. Grey Room - Damien Rice (9)
14. Disorder (live) - Joy Division (Still)
15. Suitcase In My Hand - Ry Cooder (My Name Is Buddy)
16. Sly Times - Pele (Fireworks)
17. Porterville - Creedence Clearwater Revival (Collected)
18. Out On The Tiles - Led Zeppelin (Led Zeppelin III)
19. How Can I - Brenda Holloway (A Cellarful of Motown)
20. Pretty In Pink - Psychedelic Furs (All of This and Nothing)

Fave Track - Singer Songwriter
Best Track Sung from the viewpoint of a cat - Suitcase In My Hand

Return Journey iPod

1. Heather - The Wedding Present (Seamonsters)
2. Turn Around (Alternate Version) - Whiskeytown (Strangers Almanac)
3. Granadaland - The Wedding Present (Peel Sessions)
4. The Light Is Always Green - The Housemartins (Now That's What I Call Quite Good)
5. The Maker - Martha Wainwright (Martha Wainwright)
6. Julie Ocean - The Undertones (True Confessions A's and B's)
7. Albuquerque - Neil Young (Tonight's The Night)
8. Shake That Rat - Nick Lowe (Jesus of Cool 30th Anniversary Edition)
9. Walls Come Tumbling Down - Style Council (Hit Parade)
10. Love Is The Drug - Grace Jones (The Collection)
11. Stone's Throw Away - The Style Council (Our Favourite Shop)
12. Either Way - Wilco (Sky Blue Sky)
13. Fans - Kings of Leon (Because of the Times)
14. The Moneymaker - Rilo Kiley (Under the Blacklight)
15. Cool Operator - Delroy Wilson (Cool Operator)
16. Love is a Five Letter Word - James Phelps (The Chess Story)
17. The Thin Air - Magazine (Secondhand Daylight)
18. The Love Song - Au Pairs (Peel Sessions)

Favourite track of the journey - Julie Ocean
The 'Oh I'd forgotten about that track' track - Fans

iPod Shuffle

A brand new feature to brighten your day – ‘What I listened to on my iPod on the way to work when it was on shuffle’. How exciting is that?

1. Open Your Heart – The Human League (Dare)
2. Billy Davey’s Daughter – Stereophonics (Word Gets Around)
3. Just Make Love To Me – Muddy Waters (The Chess Story Box Set)
4. Milkmaid – Red Crayola (NME C81 cassette rip)
5. Victim of Love – The Eagles (Hotel California) – who put that on there?
6. Pilgrim Forest – Pink Military (Peel Sessions)
7. Give Me A Reason – The Zutons (You Can Do Anything)
8. King of the Rumbling Spires – T. Rex (The Ultimate Collection)
9. She Won’t Be Like You – William Bell (1000 Volts of Stax)
10. Sequestered in Memphis – The Hold Steady (Stay Positive)
11. You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me – Smokey Robinson (Hitsville USA – The Motown Story)
12. Disorder – Joy Division (Unknown Pleasures)
13. Soon/PlanB – Dexy’s Midnight Runners – BBC Radio One Concert from Projected Passion Revue
14. Coming Back to Me Baby – James Carr (You Got My Mind Made Up)
15. Something’s Going On – The Pastels (The Indie Scene 1984)
16. Get Myself Arrested – Gomez (Bring It On 10th Anniversary Edition)

Favourite track of the journey - Disorder
The 'I must listen to that album again soon' track - Get Myself Arrested

Great Reaction

As pranks go, it's one of the better ones.

The Ladybird Book of the Policeman

Credit to: http://kriswithak.co.uk/ladybird for the original post.

SleeveFaces

Some great examples here.

Little Boots

A lot of hype, but I really like this.

Brave Bulging Buoyant Clairvoyants

Wild Beasts - Pride of Kendal.

Voldemort, Voldemort ...

Class!

Everton 1985

HMHB - Restless Legs

Two of my favourite things - Half Man Half Biscuit and more Half Man Half Biscuit. Fantastic Eraserhead parody.

Door Game

Misheard Lyrics - Complete Control

Charlie Brooker Is God

Show 'Em Up, Girl!

Actually it's a Gatorade commercial that never got shown

Boxing's Heyday

Were there any better fighters at their peak than Duran, Hearns, Hagler and Leonard?










The best round ever.



No Mas!

First Punch!

Where's Stuart Hall?

Fantastic early camera stuff

The Hold Steady

Been listening to the forthcoming Hold Steady album 'Stay Positive' a lot recently. It's absolutely brilliant in my humble opinion. I absolutely loved their previous three but to my ears this is the pinnacle so far. First listen was good but with every subsequent play I have become more and more obsessed. Craig Finn's lyrics are superb and the Springsteen comparisons carry some weight.

As an opener you can't better "Raise a toast to St. Joe Strummer. I think he might've been our only decent teacher"

You'll do for me, Craig.

Office Worker Reacts To Poor Joke

http://view.break.com/513310 - Watch more free videos

Admit it - you've thought about it yourself.

Half Man Half Lyric Biscuit of the Day

Underage Drinking

Is in the news a hell of a lot these days. Dreadful thing, wouldn't let my kids do it, never did it myself, it's political correctness gone mad. Except ... my 17 year old has done it for a year or so and seems to have no problem getting hold of the stuff. I can't condemn him too much because I remember the days of going into the Raven in St Helens and getting served before I was 18. And that wasn't the only place either.

So what is the issue? Is the problem that we used to drink Skol or Harp or mild that was about 3% alcohol whereas these days the tipple of choice is Stella? Even so, I find it difficult to get too worked up about the issue.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Oh, I used to cajole Gordon Giltrap, I used to think that it mattered. But the low drone of the treadmill is the sound of my hopes being shattered."

'Floreat Inertia' from the CD This Leaden Pall.

Gone Baby Gone

I watched this film tonight. Directed by Ben Affleck it is not at all what you would expect from him. It stars his brother Casey as a private detective hired to investigate the disappearance of a four year old girl in Boston. It's not really what you would expect from him but I would urge you to give it a chance. It's a fine movie with a number of twists and it will really make you think. Are you ready to take sides?

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Not long now before lollipop men are called Darren."

'Totnes Bickering Fair' from the CD CSI: Ambleside.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"A dirty rounder, a no-good fraud,
A ne’er-do-well of the highest accord.
I’ve got the supermarket sympathy vote,
I’ve got a ten year old doctor’s note."

'Blue Badge Abuser' from the CD CSI: Ambleside

Disguising the Identity of a Baby

How not to

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"I am the girl from Deacon Blue, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Multi-talented Sinitta, I just want to meet yer,
Cos I am St Peter, and you're going downstairs,
Along with cars that have pet names."

'Mars Ultras, You'll Never Make The Station' from a Peel Session.

Show Me The Bottle

Dilemma

Some of you will know of the comedy night at the Fox and Grapes in Preston on the first Tuesday of every month - if not, see earlier posts. Caroline, Stuart and I put a lot of work into the publicity for the last event with new posters, fliers and a blog and we were rewarded by a noticeably larger crowd. Unfortunately the headliner, Dave Twentyman, had to cry off at very short notice as his wife was taken ill (hopefully she is ok now). Alan managed to get a friend to replace him with only a couple of hours notice. The evening was not a great success, however. Alan seemed to be off song - probably due to the stress of having to frantically make calls to save the evening and also the larger crowd - and the two comedians had mixed fortunes. One did quite well but the other was trying out new material and appeared to misjudge the audience, even veering rather close to racism at one point. There was also a young lad in the audience whose girlfriend made the mistake of letting it slip he was a copper and he provided an easy get-out for the performers when things weren't going well - just get an easy laugh by pointing at the poor lad and making a comment about the police. Too cheap in my opinion.

My dilemma is this: when reporting the evening on the blog I don't want to put people off coming by being too negative about the event but I also want to make clear to the newcomers that this was not typical of the comedy night and that things are usually much better. I need to give this some thought.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Through your children’s bedroom walls,
Slowly walks the wraith of me.
I read the news today, oh boy,
Svarc rejects new Layer terms."

'Fear My Wraith' from the CD Some Call It Godcore.

CSI: Ambleside ...

... has landed. As good as expected and with numerous hidden gems waiting to be uncovered as each play progresses.

In celebration here are two (count 'em) HMHB Lyrics of the Day.

Firstly the wonderful Carry On Biscuiting, double entendre that is 'Lord Hereford's Knob':


"As I camped out one evening to take the midnight air,
I heard a maiden grieving from somewhere over there,
Who is it you are mourning, for whom do you wear grey,
She said 'I pine for no one, I just can’t pay my way.
Ever since the chattering classes invaded Hebden Bridge,
And priced the likes of me and mine to the pots of the Pennine Ridge
To South East Wales I was forced to flee, and now I have no job.
That’s why tonight I’m sitting on top of Lord Hereford’s Knob'"

Secondly, from 'Petty Sessions':

"I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
I ring up Dial-A-Pizza
And say, 'That’s not how I would spell “Hawaiian'".

Middle Lane Drivers

"If Lane 1 is the truck lane, and Lane 3 is the BMW-with-front-foglights-on lane, then Lane 2 is that motoring no man's land. The kind of lane where the speeds are neither annoyingly slow nor frighteningly fast. The kind of lane where you can just switch on the cruise control and never have to worry about overtaking, moving over or really doing anything at all. Apart from looking in the glovebox to see if you have enough boiled sweets to last you until Skegness.

Lane 2 is the lane of the average. And as such, it is religiously populated by the kind of ape-brained simpleton who neither has the observation and anticipation needed to make progress in the inside lane or the talent to mingle with the high speed cut and thrust of the outside lane."

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"I see you smiling in the morning mist, you’re so exclusive you don’t exist,
But you can’t hide the fact that we used to play naked Twister."

'Ordinary to Enschede' from the CD Single Let's Not.

Sad

I find it really sad when fans of teams take great delight in the mishaps of their rivals, even (or especially) when their rivals are doing better than they are. With that in mind I confess to being really sad at having to post this classic goal from the Ginger Whinger that gladdens my heart (if not the hearts of the Redshite).

Vindaloo

Despite being at least partly the work of the odious Keith Allen, the video for Fat Les's 'Vindaloo' was a parody masterpiece. Of The Verve's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' as if you didn't know.

The Best HMHB Lyrics Ever?

I thought it was time I posted the complete lyrics for possibly the best HMHB song ever - 'A Country Practice' from the CD Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral. So here goes:

"I feel like a beggar accepting alms, then being pelted with figs.
I study my steadily declining chart placings, they greet me with freezing cold inhospitality.
Hey, where did that bloke go who said I was vital?

I possess the mild air of a retail tobacconist, that’s because I’m a retail tobacconist,
But the mayflies on a Berkshire trout river would probably tell you a different story.
About ham-fisted diadems and momentary daydreams, of mythical dividends and illusory boardroom seats.

In the room festooned with fat beef certificates from county shows,
Duff Leg Bryn had drank too much again. Most of Wem was steering clear of him.
I’ve got no time for this twelfth consecutive Rose Bowl.

‘Cos at Sunday next at ten to four, I’ve got an invitation for
A trip around Katharine Hamnett’s warehouse, followed by dinner with David Emmanuel,
Who I can’t wait to tell about my dream in which the almost illegal Elton Welsby
Is dressed as a french maid on a moonless byway, licking his lips as he creeps ever closer
Fast falls the eventide. Fast falls the eventide

The public appearance of bitter ex-soap stars, who thought they could go on and do other things besides.
The Centre Court amusement at the ballboy’s mishap,
That bobbing up and down thing that they do at the Proms,
Opinionated weather forecasters telling me it’s going to be a miserable day.
Miserable to who? I quite like a bit of drizzle, so stick to the facts.

Channel Four presents “Blowjob”, introduced by Adrian and Sophie Horn
Who is of course one bloke with a pierced dick, who’s just had the nod from Planet 24.
Hear him say “surreal”, “bizarre”, “sad git”, “yes indeedy”, “completely and utterly”, “footy”, “anorak” and “respect” before whipping the audience up into doing the Time Warp.

Watch him take us live to The Queen’s Arse and Firkin,
Where Joseph Bloggs and his amazing Technicolor shellsuit are about to abort their Steely Dan routine,
And instead embark upon fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah,
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah,
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah.

Adrian-stroke-Sophie wants us, the viewers, to ring in and say how we think the punters will react.

These are a few of my favourite things…

I’m incredibly bored with the word “millennium”,
I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Millions now earmarked will later be wasted
"Her Majesty, Marvellous, Mother" the musical.
The fireworks lighting up the Houses of Parliament, death in Trafalgar Square,

Death in the armchair of cliched old spinsters who never been loved.
Every day is Australia day - “Sons and Daughters” and “Home and Away”.
And then the news comes on and the sound goes down,
‘Cos she can’t be bothered with all them politicians -
"They’re all just a bunch of flaming drongos".

She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused,
With not enough hospital beds ‘cos all the money’s been used
On the end of the century party preparations
And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life was
Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican
Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican

T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee,
T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee,
T for Thatcher, that girl that made a wreck out of me.

Oh the lady labelled me an idle,
Oh the lady labelled me an idle,
Oh the lady labelled me an idle layabout.
Layabout,
Layabout."

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Inside back page, Radio Times, 'My Kind Of Day' with the actors and actresses…
"I get up about six, and I have a cold shower, switch on “Today”, Vitamin C,
Write some letters ’til quarter past eight, when Olivia takes Oliver to school,
It’s about an hour’s drive to Shepperton from ours,
So I go through the scripts in the back of the car
And if I get hungry I’ll eat a Multigrain bar.""

'Soft Verges' from the CD Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Yonder, the deacon, in misguided trousers."

'We Built This Village on a Trad. Arr. Tune' from the CD Achtung Bono.

Les Miserables

Musicals are not my cup of tea at all - especially ones that are sung all the way through - but I went to an amateur production of Les Miserables tonight as my younger son was playing Gavroche. I have to say that the cast were universally excellent. The guy playing M. Thenardier appeared to have based him on Mick Jagger, which was an interesting conceit! Oh well, if Johnny Depp can do Keef let's give Mick a chance. It's always an interesting experience when one of your kids surprises you with something you didn't know they could do. It's always nicer if it's a pleasant experience and tonight I found that Son No 2 has a talent for singing and acting. He was very good and I have told him so. Tomorrow night is Son No 1's turn as his band, Vox Population, has a gig at DV8 in Preston. I shall be there with a few mates, raising the average age of the crowd by a good thirty years no doubt. Good excuse for a night out too.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric Of The Day

"We just got back from Greek isle Kos,
Didn’t see no Vicky Leandros.
We had a 96-track studio,
And it was haunted by a Red Indian."

'Whit Week Malarkey' from the CD This Leaden Pall.

Top Chuck Norris Facts

• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.


• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.


• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.


• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.


• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.


• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.


• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.


• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.


• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.


• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Go to Google, type in 'Find Chuck Norris' and hit I'm Feeling Lucky.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Well I’d like to meet Stephenson the engineer,
And I’d like to meet Faraday and buy him a beer,
And I’d love to meet the bloke who had the bright idea of,
Bob Wilson - anchorman."

'Bob Wilson Anchorman' from the EP Editor's Recommendation.

Diana Inquest

So Diana died in a car crash caused to a great extent by a driver, unfamiliar with the type of car and three times over the alcohol limit. Who'd have thought, eh?

Still, I blame the Duke of Edinburgh. Apparently he runs the country, you know. I wonder if Gordon knows? Probably not.

According to Mohamed Al Fayed it was the Secret Services commanded by Phil what dunnit. Jesus, if the best our Secret Services can come up with is a car crash we're in trouble. Not the most predictable assassination method I wouldn't have thought. Maybe a fire. Maybe they were supposed to be in Windsor Castle when that went up. Well, maybe not. That was five years earlier. Still, top marks to the Secret Services for trying.

Speaking of fires I understand the Daily Express spontaneously combusted on hearing the verdict. What headlines can they use now? Maybe the McCanns were involved, has anyone thought of that? Well, Al Fayed, obviously but just wait 'till the Express picks that one up.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"I've just finished decorating, it was very irritating,
And I know they're going to come around tonight,
And I know they're going to say to me tonight -
It makes the room look bigger."

'It Makes The Room Look Bigger' from the EP Saucy Haulage Ballads.

Neville Southall - Absolute Legend

John Warburton, up close and personal.

The punters having a great evening.

Vince Atta having fun.

The Right Said Fred tribute band enjoying the show.

Alan on his way to the 'stage'.

John Warburton on the Origin of Surnames

The quality of the picture is poor on the videos but the sound is clear enough.

John Warburton - Brum Accent the Equivalent of A Lazy Eye

For Fox Sake

On the first Tuesday of every month The Fox & Grapes pub in Preston hosts a comedy night. It's free to get in and the entertainment is always top notch, superbly hosted by Alan Donegan. Last night we had two comedians who went down a storm and even managed to deal well with the surreal hecklers from hell in the process. Vince Atta and John Warburton are both from Manchester but provide different types of laughs. Vince riffs off the audience a bit more but John, with his musical talent, is more structured but exceptionally funny. I took some pictures and a couple of short video clips but as they were only on my phone the quality is not great.

If you are anywhere near Preston do yourself a favour and come and support this event. You won't regret it - honestly!













Alan, your compere.

The Road

I've just finished reading 'The Road' by Cormac McCarthy. It is undoubtedly one of the finest novels I have read in a very long time. It is gripping, emotional, bleak, beautiful, sad, inspiring and many other things too. It is really a tale about every one of us.

It is set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland (no, hang on, come back!) but from that well-used starting point McCarthy constructs a novel of horror and intensity that you will want to finish it in one sitting. The tale is about a nameless father and son slowly making their way through a devastated America to the coast, trying to avoid the thugs on the road. There are many horrific images conjured up but the overwhelming and lasting impression is the love between the father and son and the dilemma the father feels in trying to 'unteach' his son many of the basic morals we take for granted. If you are a parent this book will particularly resonate, and at times I read it with a heavy heart.

The lack of names used throughout the narrative is both depersonalising and extremely personal as the reader can identify even more with the father and son without the burden of seeking meaning or boundaries of names.

It is a constant struggle for the father to retain dignity and keep a grip on nobility but the reader is drawn into this battle and is willing the parent to keep going.

There is not a lot of light in the book - it is almost relentlessly bleak, although one or two moments do shine with optimism and hope. This is such an intense read but the result is an astonishing achievement. This is the first of McCarthy's novels I have read but I shall certainly be seeking out others following my enjoyment of this one.

I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets."

'National Shite Day' from the forthcoming CD CSI: Ambleside.

CSI: Ambleside

Track Listing for the new HMHB CD:

1. Evening Of Swing (Has Been Cancelled)

2. Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess

3. Took Problem Chimp To Ideal Home Show

4. Ode To Joyce

5. Blue Badge Abuser

6. Totnes Bickering Fair

7. King Of Hi-Vis

8. Lord Hereford's Knob

9. On The 'Roids

10. Petty Sessions

11. Little In The Way Of Sunshine

12. Give Us Bubblewrap

13. National Shite Day

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"I finally managed to reach the station, only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down.
After wondering to myself whether or not it should actually be called the train replacement service,
I walked out on to the concourse and noticed that the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with."

'National Shite Day' from the forthcoming CD CSI: Ambleside.

Vox Population

My elder son, Dan, is the drummer in a band called Vox Population. They have just started gigging and from starting off with cover versions when they were first rehearsing they now play mainly their own compositions. Below are links to download mp3s of three of their demos.

New Talent Show

Changing Faces

Cliches, Jeans and Cigarettes

Post a comment and let me know what you think.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the Book of Revelations.
There's no 'S' it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to St John the Divine.
See also Mary Hopkin; she must despair."

'Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo' from the CD Achtung Bono.

Obama

I don't get into many discussions about the US Presidential race but the furore over Obama's pastor made me smirk. I think this cartoon from the Springfield Journal-Register (by Chris Britt) sums up my feelings.

(Click for a larger version)

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"When I had my loft converted back into a loft,
The neighbours came around and scoffed, and called me retro.
But they are the type who never used to go to the match
Until the family thing got big in the late '80s."

'Friday Night and the Gates are Low' from the CD Some Call It Godcore.

Disability Discrimination

Why is it that people who wouldn't make 'amusing' comments about blacks, asians, jews, homosexuals etc find it acceptable to have a pot at someone who has lost a limb? I have no feelings for either Heather Mills or Paul McCartney but the number of times I have seen someone make what they thought was a highly witty and original comment regarding the word 'legless' or 'hopping' left me despairing.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"It's the year 2163, Chester Barnes has risen from the dead,
And he's coming round to creosote the fence, and I for one, feel spartan and monastic."

'This Leaden Pall' from the CD This Leaden Pall

Wigan Beer Festival 2008

John, the barman of the festival














Neil









Dave and Nick












After the disappointment of missing the St Walburge's festival we made our annual pilgrimage to Pie Country. Not much more needs saying. It was a beer festival and it was held in Wigan - Robin Park to be precise. Caroline and I met Dave, Neil and Chris in The Anvil and after a swift pint got a cab down to the festival. I don't think I had a bad beer all night but then again none stood out particularly (unlike last year when Tradewinds was a clear favourite). If pushed I would say Durham's White Amarillo or Coniston's Oliver's Light Ale (actually a light mild).

Half Man Half Biscuit Observation of the Day

Well, the day was nearly seven years ago, but you get the picture. This is from a Guardian feature I read at the time, but thanks to Chris Rand and his HMHB Lyrics Project pages for the reminder. This, unfortunately, is quite an astute observation:

"For anybody who has never attended a Half Man Half Biscuit concert, these events are a near-religious experience. It's like going to one of those churches where everybody claps and smiles and sings along. At a Biscuit gig, everybody in the crowd knows every word to every song. They join in, right from the start, and sing along joyously. There is always a gaggle of bespectacled 33-year-olds huddled just to the side of the stage. One senses that they turn up to every show within a 56-mile drive in the avid hope that Nigel will one day forget a word. They're not unlike the quiet lad who works at Championship Vinyl, the shop in High Fidelity. They occasionally nod or shake their heads, half in admiration, half thwarted, when he gets through a tricky bit intact. These chaps - they're always men, always mild and slightly shy - are the spirit of the Biscuit fan. One senses also that they've driven to the gig at a nice, steady pace and they may well go mad and have a curry on the way home.

Biscuit fans are not natural born groovers, but the band's clash of punk chords and raw bass lends itself wonderfully to the Biscuit Chug. This involves fans standing on their tiptoes - or the very balls of their feet, at least - and bouncing on the spot for long periods of time. Not too much effort required, and absolutely anybody can pull it off."

I don't recognise anyone in there, but I can imagine ...

The full article can be read here.

Voiceless phone calls

This is scary.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Fired by wine she was almost mine 'til a fight broke out in the bar,
Third rate Les in his Burberry fez had gone just a little too far.
Nailing down his baling wire to the laminate floor,
He sang a salty song about a girl from Bangalore."

'27 Yards of Dental Floss' from the CD Camell Laird Social Club.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"At the new romantic craft fair, try and guess the alien's weight, Sir.
25 pence says you can't."

'Deep House Victims Minibus Appeal' from the CD Voyage to the Bottom of the Road

A Bridge Too Far

The bare facts are that Everton went out of the UEFA Cup last night 4-2 on penalties after extra time. That doesn't tell the whole story, however. On a night of high passion at Goodison Park the Blues comprehensively outplayed their illustrious Italian opponents even more so than the Florence side had done to them last week. The crowd were superb and the 4-4-2 formation (David Moyes had to change from his preferred five man midfield after Tim Cahill's injury in training) worked a treat. Were it not for an outstanding display from Sebastien Frey in La Viola's goal we could have had five or six. Once again for an English side, penalties were our downfall.

Ultimately I was so proud of the team last night and I only hope they can pick themselves up for the remaining nine Premiership games (and stick it to the redshite at the same time).

I'm Annoyed

And this time it's not to do with having read my Mum's Daily Mail (although I did sully myself on Saturday morning by doing just that, and had to have a shower when I got home). This time it's something much closer to my heart; beer. More specifically the Preston Beer Festival at St Walburges. I have spent the last three or four weeks trying to confirm the dates of this year's festival. I phoned the church on several occasions, not once getting an answer; I searched the internet regularly; I phoned the chairman of CAMRA West Lancs branch, a nice chap but he didn't know; and I enquired at local hostelries. Nobody could help me. Paula, the landlady of Bitter Suite, thought it may be this coming weekend (which would mean it once again clashed with the Wigan festival). I went on Google today to see if I could find out about it and discovered to my dismay that it had been last weekend! There was even a report in the Lancashire Evening Post about it.

This is the first Preston Festival I have missed for several years and having done my damnedest to find out about it I feel cheated at having missed it. How did the 700 people who turned up find out about it? Is there a secret mailing list I don't know about? According to the LEP article next year's festival is booked for 26-28 March 2009 so I must ensure that date is etched on my memory.

In the meantime I will content myself with drooling over the beer list for Wigan.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Talking to a girl on the south coast of France; she was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance,
And on the last night beneath the stars of Marseille, she said that Robin Asquith was ... funny.
Oh God, how I longed for a dangerous wave so I could surf myself towards an early grave,
I would rather talk to plankton than to dance with you, I hope your plane back home's a DC10"

'Albert Hammond Bootleg' from the Trumpton Riots EP.

Everton

I'm hoping for a repeat of the 1985 Cup Winners' Cup semi final v Bayern Munich tonight. Not the scoreline - a 3-1 win would still see us eliminated - but the performance, atmosphere and the outcome. That match is still the best atmosphere I have ever experienced at any sporting event.

It will be extremely difficult. I can't deny we were outplayed by Fiorentina in the first leg and surprisingly for a David Moyes' side we seemed to lack passion and fight, but if Goddison Park can get behind them all the way we may have a chance.

COYB

Bayern CWC Semi 1985

Latest Music - Nick Cave

With a fair bit of time to listen to music I have been lucky enough to hear quite a bit of new stuff (and older stuff new to me) recently.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!

Picking up where Grinderman left off this is one of the rockiest Cave albums for a long while. Fantastically witty lyrics concerning (surprise, surprise) sex, God and death:

"Then a black girl with no clothes on she danced across the room
We charted the progress of the planets around that boogie-woogie moon
I called her my nubian princess, I gave her some sweet-back bad-ass jive
I spent the next seven years between her legs pining for my wife
But by and by it all went wrong, I felt all washed-up on the shore
She stared down at me from up in the storm as I sobbed upon the floor"

from the final track More News From Nowhere.

Lots of garage rock but also some gentler tracks. Cave seems to benefit from the presence of Warren Ellis. Great story telling songs and he seems rejuvenated having turned 50.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Tower block, You couldn't score in a tower block."

'Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite' from the CD This Leaden Pall

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Oh I doctored my edible thong with listeria,
Now my only hope is that your offspring walks backwards."

'Prag Vec at the Melkeg' from the CD McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt.

Time on my Hands

Before Christmas (14 Dec to be exact) I took a tumble. I slipped on some ice and landed with my considerable weight on my left elbow. Ok, those who know me may wonder if alcohol was a factor in this. Well, m'lud, let me make it clear from the start that I had been in Manchester since noon on our works' Christmas 'do' but in mitigation I had not been caning it and had drunk water at regular intervals. In fact by the time of the fall I had probably not had a drink for a couple of hours. Nevertheless I'm sure the alcohol in my system probably lessened the pain of the fall, thankfully. What probably made it worse is that I was holding a carrier bag containing a bottle of blackberry liqueur I had bought for Caroline so when I fell I automatically tried to protect the bottle in my right hand. I successfully prevented the bottle from breaking but did not have the same success with my left arm.

I picked myself up and decided that I would forego the kebab I had planned to get and would go straight home. When I got there I realised that the problem was more than just a bang and a bruise so I went off to A&E to meet the other drunken idiots that gather there on a Friday night (no, Lord Mancroft, not the nurses). Anyway to get to the point I was eventually (after about five hours) put in plaster and taken to a ward. It transpired that I had dislocated my elbow, broken two bones in the forearm, damaged the ligaments and shattered the elbow. I went to theatre on the Tuesday when an upper limb specialist was available and ended up with metal pins sticking out of my arm in a frame to prevent any movement. Being left-handed ensured maximum effect.

The best thing about the experience was undoubtedly the morphine button. Because the pain was so bad I was on a morphine drip and every time the light on the button came on I could press it and receive a dose. This was every five or six minutes. Talk about spaced out! Reality set in though when I realised that, nice though it would be to experience such a blissful state permanently, if I wanted to be home for Christmas I would have to wean myself off the happy juice. Showing tremendous restraint I managed this and was happily home over the festive period. Unfortunately I was pretty much reliant on Caroline to help me in most tasks such as dressing, showering (bin liner over the whole arm), drying, eating etc.

As time has gone on I have become more self reliant and the frame came off about six weeks ago. Unfortunately I have limited movement and the specialist says I will never be able to straighten the arm again. I have a number of exercises to try to increase the movement but it is a slow process and there appears to be some nerve damage preventing me from straightening my index finger and thumb. I am unable to drive and am still absent from work. I am still on regular doses of painkillers and any prolonged keyboard work is painful.

I'm hoping to return to work in a couple of weeks or so but it remains to be seen how much I will be able to do. It's frustrating that something so simple has caused such upheaval and that I played rugby league for nigh on 20 years without anything as serious or painful as this happening.

I don't feel totally confident with my arm yet. Last week I should have been going to see The Levellers but packed out as I didn't want to get it knocked or fall on it. Hopefully as movement increases and soreness diminishes I will be able to do more.

Many Happy Return

Well, having passed the first anniversary of my last posting I thought it was time to resurrect the blog and start regular posts again. I've been inundated with requests, nay, pleas for the return of this modern classic as you can imagine so let's see how long this lasts.