CSI: Ambleside

Track Listing for the new HMHB CD:

1. Evening Of Swing (Has Been Cancelled)

2. Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess

3. Took Problem Chimp To Ideal Home Show

4. Ode To Joyce

5. Blue Badge Abuser

6. Totnes Bickering Fair

7. King Of Hi-Vis

8. Lord Hereford's Knob

9. On The 'Roids

10. Petty Sessions

11. Little In The Way Of Sunshine

12. Give Us Bubblewrap

13. National Shite Day

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"I finally managed to reach the station, only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down.
After wondering to myself whether or not it should actually be called the train replacement service,
I walked out on to the concourse and noticed that the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with."

'National Shite Day' from the forthcoming CD CSI: Ambleside.

Vox Population

My elder son, Dan, is the drummer in a band called Vox Population. They have just started gigging and from starting off with cover versions when they were first rehearsing they now play mainly their own compositions. Below are links to download mp3s of three of their demos.

New Talent Show

Changing Faces

Cliches, Jeans and Cigarettes

Post a comment and let me know what you think.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the Book of Revelations.
There's no 'S' it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to St John the Divine.
See also Mary Hopkin; she must despair."

'Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo' from the CD Achtung Bono.

Obama

I don't get into many discussions about the US Presidential race but the furore over Obama's pastor made me smirk. I think this cartoon from the Springfield Journal-Register (by Chris Britt) sums up my feelings.

(Click for a larger version)

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"When I had my loft converted back into a loft,
The neighbours came around and scoffed, and called me retro.
But they are the type who never used to go to the match
Until the family thing got big in the late '80s."

'Friday Night and the Gates are Low' from the CD Some Call It Godcore.

Disability Discrimination

Why is it that people who wouldn't make 'amusing' comments about blacks, asians, jews, homosexuals etc find it acceptable to have a pot at someone who has lost a limb? I have no feelings for either Heather Mills or Paul McCartney but the number of times I have seen someone make what they thought was a highly witty and original comment regarding the word 'legless' or 'hopping' left me despairing.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"It's the year 2163, Chester Barnes has risen from the dead,
And he's coming round to creosote the fence, and I for one, feel spartan and monastic."

'This Leaden Pall' from the CD This Leaden Pall

Wigan Beer Festival 2008

John, the barman of the festival














Neil









Dave and Nick












After the disappointment of missing the St Walburge's festival we made our annual pilgrimage to Pie Country. Not much more needs saying. It was a beer festival and it was held in Wigan - Robin Park to be precise. Caroline and I met Dave, Neil and Chris in The Anvil and after a swift pint got a cab down to the festival. I don't think I had a bad beer all night but then again none stood out particularly (unlike last year when Tradewinds was a clear favourite). If pushed I would say Durham's White Amarillo or Coniston's Oliver's Light Ale (actually a light mild).

Half Man Half Biscuit Observation of the Day

Well, the day was nearly seven years ago, but you get the picture. This is from a Guardian feature I read at the time, but thanks to Chris Rand and his HMHB Lyrics Project pages for the reminder. This, unfortunately, is quite an astute observation:

"For anybody who has never attended a Half Man Half Biscuit concert, these events are a near-religious experience. It's like going to one of those churches where everybody claps and smiles and sings along. At a Biscuit gig, everybody in the crowd knows every word to every song. They join in, right from the start, and sing along joyously. There is always a gaggle of bespectacled 33-year-olds huddled just to the side of the stage. One senses that they turn up to every show within a 56-mile drive in the avid hope that Nigel will one day forget a word. They're not unlike the quiet lad who works at Championship Vinyl, the shop in High Fidelity. They occasionally nod or shake their heads, half in admiration, half thwarted, when he gets through a tricky bit intact. These chaps - they're always men, always mild and slightly shy - are the spirit of the Biscuit fan. One senses also that they've driven to the gig at a nice, steady pace and they may well go mad and have a curry on the way home.

Biscuit fans are not natural born groovers, but the band's clash of punk chords and raw bass lends itself wonderfully to the Biscuit Chug. This involves fans standing on their tiptoes - or the very balls of their feet, at least - and bouncing on the spot for long periods of time. Not too much effort required, and absolutely anybody can pull it off."

I don't recognise anyone in there, but I can imagine ...

The full article can be read here.

Voiceless phone calls

This is scary.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Fired by wine she was almost mine 'til a fight broke out in the bar,
Third rate Les in his Burberry fez had gone just a little too far.
Nailing down his baling wire to the laminate floor,
He sang a salty song about a girl from Bangalore."

'27 Yards of Dental Floss' from the CD Camell Laird Social Club.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"At the new romantic craft fair, try and guess the alien's weight, Sir.
25 pence says you can't."

'Deep House Victims Minibus Appeal' from the CD Voyage to the Bottom of the Road

A Bridge Too Far

The bare facts are that Everton went out of the UEFA Cup last night 4-2 on penalties after extra time. That doesn't tell the whole story, however. On a night of high passion at Goodison Park the Blues comprehensively outplayed their illustrious Italian opponents even more so than the Florence side had done to them last week. The crowd were superb and the 4-4-2 formation (David Moyes had to change from his preferred five man midfield after Tim Cahill's injury in training) worked a treat. Were it not for an outstanding display from Sebastien Frey in La Viola's goal we could have had five or six. Once again for an English side, penalties were our downfall.

Ultimately I was so proud of the team last night and I only hope they can pick themselves up for the remaining nine Premiership games (and stick it to the redshite at the same time).

I'm Annoyed

And this time it's not to do with having read my Mum's Daily Mail (although I did sully myself on Saturday morning by doing just that, and had to have a shower when I got home). This time it's something much closer to my heart; beer. More specifically the Preston Beer Festival at St Walburges. I have spent the last three or four weeks trying to confirm the dates of this year's festival. I phoned the church on several occasions, not once getting an answer; I searched the internet regularly; I phoned the chairman of CAMRA West Lancs branch, a nice chap but he didn't know; and I enquired at local hostelries. Nobody could help me. Paula, the landlady of Bitter Suite, thought it may be this coming weekend (which would mean it once again clashed with the Wigan festival). I went on Google today to see if I could find out about it and discovered to my dismay that it had been last weekend! There was even a report in the Lancashire Evening Post about it.

This is the first Preston Festival I have missed for several years and having done my damnedest to find out about it I feel cheated at having missed it. How did the 700 people who turned up find out about it? Is there a secret mailing list I don't know about? According to the LEP article next year's festival is booked for 26-28 March 2009 so I must ensure that date is etched on my memory.

In the meantime I will content myself with drooling over the beer list for Wigan.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Talking to a girl on the south coast of France; she was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance,
And on the last night beneath the stars of Marseille, she said that Robin Asquith was ... funny.
Oh God, how I longed for a dangerous wave so I could surf myself towards an early grave,
I would rather talk to plankton than to dance with you, I hope your plane back home's a DC10"

'Albert Hammond Bootleg' from the Trumpton Riots EP.

Everton

I'm hoping for a repeat of the 1985 Cup Winners' Cup semi final v Bayern Munich tonight. Not the scoreline - a 3-1 win would still see us eliminated - but the performance, atmosphere and the outcome. That match is still the best atmosphere I have ever experienced at any sporting event.

It will be extremely difficult. I can't deny we were outplayed by Fiorentina in the first leg and surprisingly for a David Moyes' side we seemed to lack passion and fight, but if Goddison Park can get behind them all the way we may have a chance.

COYB

Bayern CWC Semi 1985

Latest Music - Nick Cave

With a fair bit of time to listen to music I have been lucky enough to hear quite a bit of new stuff (and older stuff new to me) recently.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!

Picking up where Grinderman left off this is one of the rockiest Cave albums for a long while. Fantastically witty lyrics concerning (surprise, surprise) sex, God and death:

"Then a black girl with no clothes on she danced across the room
We charted the progress of the planets around that boogie-woogie moon
I called her my nubian princess, I gave her some sweet-back bad-ass jive
I spent the next seven years between her legs pining for my wife
But by and by it all went wrong, I felt all washed-up on the shore
She stared down at me from up in the storm as I sobbed upon the floor"

from the final track More News From Nowhere.

Lots of garage rock but also some gentler tracks. Cave seems to benefit from the presence of Warren Ellis. Great story telling songs and he seems rejuvenated having turned 50.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Tower block, You couldn't score in a tower block."

'Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite' from the CD This Leaden Pall

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day

"Oh I doctored my edible thong with listeria,
Now my only hope is that your offspring walks backwards."

'Prag Vec at the Melkeg' from the CD McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt.

Time on my Hands

Before Christmas (14 Dec to be exact) I took a tumble. I slipped on some ice and landed with my considerable weight on my left elbow. Ok, those who know me may wonder if alcohol was a factor in this. Well, m'lud, let me make it clear from the start that I had been in Manchester since noon on our works' Christmas 'do' but in mitigation I had not been caning it and had drunk water at regular intervals. In fact by the time of the fall I had probably not had a drink for a couple of hours. Nevertheless I'm sure the alcohol in my system probably lessened the pain of the fall, thankfully. What probably made it worse is that I was holding a carrier bag containing a bottle of blackberry liqueur I had bought for Caroline so when I fell I automatically tried to protect the bottle in my right hand. I successfully prevented the bottle from breaking but did not have the same success with my left arm.

I picked myself up and decided that I would forego the kebab I had planned to get and would go straight home. When I got there I realised that the problem was more than just a bang and a bruise so I went off to A&E to meet the other drunken idiots that gather there on a Friday night (no, Lord Mancroft, not the nurses). Anyway to get to the point I was eventually (after about five hours) put in plaster and taken to a ward. It transpired that I had dislocated my elbow, broken two bones in the forearm, damaged the ligaments and shattered the elbow. I went to theatre on the Tuesday when an upper limb specialist was available and ended up with metal pins sticking out of my arm in a frame to prevent any movement. Being left-handed ensured maximum effect.

The best thing about the experience was undoubtedly the morphine button. Because the pain was so bad I was on a morphine drip and every time the light on the button came on I could press it and receive a dose. This was every five or six minutes. Talk about spaced out! Reality set in though when I realised that, nice though it would be to experience such a blissful state permanently, if I wanted to be home for Christmas I would have to wean myself off the happy juice. Showing tremendous restraint I managed this and was happily home over the festive period. Unfortunately I was pretty much reliant on Caroline to help me in most tasks such as dressing, showering (bin liner over the whole arm), drying, eating etc.

As time has gone on I have become more self reliant and the frame came off about six weeks ago. Unfortunately I have limited movement and the specialist says I will never be able to straighten the arm again. I have a number of exercises to try to increase the movement but it is a slow process and there appears to be some nerve damage preventing me from straightening my index finger and thumb. I am unable to drive and am still absent from work. I am still on regular doses of painkillers and any prolonged keyboard work is painful.

I'm hoping to return to work in a couple of weeks or so but it remains to be seen how much I will be able to do. It's frustrating that something so simple has caused such upheaval and that I played rugby league for nigh on 20 years without anything as serious or painful as this happening.

I don't feel totally confident with my arm yet. Last week I should have been going to see The Levellers but packed out as I didn't want to get it knocked or fall on it. Hopefully as movement increases and soreness diminishes I will be able to do more.

Many Happy Return

Well, having passed the first anniversary of my last posting I thought it was time to resurrect the blog and start regular posts again. I've been inundated with requests, nay, pleas for the return of this modern classic as you can imagine so let's see how long this lasts.